Loving Mikayla Grace

If you're wondering, no I am not a smoker nor am I taking up smoking. I just finished watching The Biggest Loser. I watch every week. I cry every week. I wish every week that I could be those people. I feel so motivated after watching the show. I get all pumped up in my head, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it, I wanna do it, I wanna do it. Then I turn off the bedside lamp and go to sleep. At some point in middle of the night I forget my motivation.

My husband is a smoker or was a smoker. I'm not exactly sure. He doesn't buy cigarettes any more. However, in the past week he would come home from work smelling like a cigarette. I would ask him if he smoked and his response is always, "Yeah, I smoked one." I ask him why and he says he was stressed. I ask him where he got the cigarette and he says he bummed it. I then proceed to ask him how in the world he plans to quit if he keeps bumming cigarette. I then proceed to explain to him my confusion. I honestly don't understand how someone could knowingly harm themselves like that. I mean it's proven that cigarette smoking can cause cancer. How in the world can someone do that to themselves? At first he thinks I'm just trying to make him feel bad, but truly I'm not. I truly do not understand. I know cigarettes have chemicals that cause a person to become addicted. But, knowing what they can do to you and knowing your family history. How? How can you continue? Whenever my husband would go outside to smoke I would say to him, "Oh you mean you're going outside to commit suicide?" I feel like that is what he's doing. A long, slow, and eventually painful death that he is causing himself because he CHOOSES to smoke.

Well, this post isn't really about cigarette smoking. It's about losing weight. After I shut the TV off tonight and laid there in bed, my conversation with my husband flashed in my head and I realized I'm a hypocrite! How can he continue to harm his body by smoking and how can I continue to harm my body by not doing the things I need to do to lose weight and become healthy. I criticize him for smoking and not taking care of himself, but I'm just as bad. The lack of exercise, the over indulgences, not eating like I should. What the heck is wrong with me??? I'm over weight. Technically I'm probably considered obese. My family medical history is not good at all. My grandfather died at the age of 65 and my father at 44. Knowing this why the hell did I let myself get this way and why do I continue to live the way I am? I'm done!! I'm done living like this! I need to take control of my life! I need to make a change! Why is this not easy? Why can't I just do it?

***I'm sorry if this post offends anyone who may be a smoker. However, I am entitled to my opinion.