One Day At A Time

Imagine a big box in the corner of a dark dark room. The box is sealed shut with duct tape. You can't see inside of it to see what it is. What me to tell you what is inside of it? Well....that'd be me inside! For the past several months I think I've been "hiding" in a dark dark box. I've really withdrawn myself from friends, especially one friend in particular. All because I couldn't handle my own personal emotions and she got prego. It was so hard to deal, I figured the best way was to withdraw myself and then I wouldn't have to deal with it. Well....last night her and I had dinner and it felt so good to just sit and talk and be with a friend. I really think I'm almost ready to throw that box away for good.

YOU COMMUNICATE! This is exactly what I did. When the hubby got home from work I told him how I was feeling and asked how he was feeling. DUH!! I knew the answer all along!

How do I know the hubby really truly wants to have children? We've talked about it and he knows I want them and he says he does. BUT, how do I really know? I posted about his analysis results and the RE wants him to go see a Urologist and even gave him the name of the doctor he wants him to see. The hubby is yet to call and make and appointment. I found the paper I wrote the doctors name on, on the floor. He and I also discussed smoking and drinking caffeine. He said he was going to start cutting back on both. Cutting back!?!? Is that all he's will to do!?!? How about quit all together. Maybe smoking and drinking pop are more important than having kids. Maybe he doesn't really want kids. I don't know what to do!

So, I decided to get off my lazy butt and do a little cleaning. As I was picking things up and throwing them away I came across the book I got that explains my health care benefits. As we have just started this infertility journey, I was curious to see if anything was covered. It was a lot of boring reading, but I found it and it's says under the heading: The following are excluded under the Plan:
pp. Sterilization reversal or infertility treatment. "Treatment of infertility" means the use of methods which do not correct the inability to conceive, but create the conditions for the individual to conceive by stimulating the individual's natural reproductive system or by implementation. Methods used to correct the inability to conceive are not subject to this limitation.

UGH! All the things the RE talked about probably fall under creating the conditions. So, does this mean health insurance companies this the only people who should have children are those who can have them naturally with no assistance what so ever? This is so frustrating to me!

What do you do when you find out that maybe you're not the one with the fertility issue? The doctors office called the other day to let us know what they found from the hubbies semen analysis. Not too good. Motility and count were low low low. It's probably bad of me, but it actually made me feel a little better. I guess because all the pressure isn't on me and I'm not the only infertility problem. We aren't sure yet that I even have a problem. I of course didn't tell the hubby this. I tried to be supportive and we discussed things he could change that could probably help.

On another note. I have a daily 10:30 date set up. I will be meeting a friend and we will be walking! WOOHOO! I'll actually get my butt out of bed and off the computer and get some exercise!

As I start this journey down the infertility road, I still question am I really infertile. I've started reading a lot...on the Internet and books. Almost everything says to listen to your body. When I listen to my body, I "hear" nothing. Well, okay maybe I do "hear" some stuff. When I think of something being wrong, I think of being sick or in pain and I have neither of those two things. After my miscarriage my AF is pretty regular. This past month I started charting my basal body temperature. Every morning my alarm clock goes off at 8am and I take my temperature and then write it down. I have also been doing an ovulation kit. My findings so far are that this is tough. Is my temperature spiking or am I just a little high today? Just when I think , "Okay, this is a spike, I'm going to ovulate, I drop again." The ovulation kit hasn't indicated that I'm ovulating. The line keeps getting darker, but it's not as dark as the control line. I can't bring myself to check my cervical mucus. One book I read suggested becoming familiar with my cervix. Is that normal? Do women really do that? Do they really check their cervical mucus? I mean I know when I get to the egg white stage because it's there on the toilet paper, but to literally check it myself my feeling down there, I just don't know. What is normal and what do I do? Anyway, this isn't want I intended to share....lol. I wanted to share a quote from a book that I'm reading called A Few Good Eggs Two Chicks Dish on Overcoming the Insanity of Infertility.


"Everyone wins in the game of infertility- it just might not be the way you always planned. Keep an open mind and the family you so desire will be yours."
- Julie Vargo and Maureen Regan

UGH!! I would have never guessed that I would have to go through this game. I grew up always thinking that when I was ready to have children it would happen. The DH and I just visited a a reproductive endocrinologist. After the appointment I felt good. I am also reading a book called A Few Good Eggs. It's pretty good. It suggested researching things for yourself and informing yourself. So, today I hopped on FertileThoughts.com and checked out the message boards. The first post I looked at was titled "Anyone Around You Pregnant?" I saw that and immediately clicked on it. If my friends weren't pregnant they were giving birth in the last year, and now another one is pregnant. I was so happy to hear that I am not the only one who is upset by this happening in my life. I am jealous and angry! I know now that those are normal feelings and it's okay to feel that way. Of course I am happy for all my friends who have successfully had children and the one who is pregnant, but it's very hard dealing with my own emotions. I find myself withdrawing from my friends just to avoid hearing all about it. This game is an evil evil game, but when I finally have my own children it will all be worth it because I will love them that much more! I will not give up!