One Day At A Time

Yup that's what the doctor said about my ultrasound yesterday. I know it sounds insensitive, but it really wasn't. So, it's official. I had a miscarriage. It sucks. We weren't shocked by the information, but at the same time we were. We of course are both sad and disappointed. Better luck next time.

Why do the things that happen in our lives happen to us? I've had to ask myself this many times? Why did my dad have to die? Why did I have to be the one to have a brain biopsy? Why am I the one who has Multiple Sclerosis? And the most recent, why did I have to miscarry my baby? I know this all sounds so selfish and I'm sorry. But right now it's how I feel. I know the answer to each and every one of those questions. It's accepting the answers that's the hard part. I just keep praying over and over...God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.

Well it's been a LONG five days. I've been off of work since Wednesday. Tomorrow I go back to work and jump back into some normalcy. Unfortunately I'm sitting here writing this at 11:30 p.m. For the past month I've been in bed by 9:00 p.m. but tonight for whatever reason I can't seem to sleep. I took some Tylenol PM and I'm waiting for that to kick in. Tomorrow I go back to see the doctor. I'm scheduled to have another ultrasound. I'm pretty certain they won't see anything but my uterus. And I'm okay with that. Right now anyway. Tomorrow I may not be okay, but that's party of the grieving process. This is definitely not something easy to go through and it definitely has me asking lots of questions. Some of which are petty dumb, I know. I have learned many ways on how not to respond to someone who's gone through this. I.E. I hear you're really really fertile right after a miscarriage. What the hell!?!? Like having sex is first on my list of things to do. I love my husband, I do, but even the thought of him touching me in a sexual manner does not appeal to me at all. For the first two days I really didn't want him to touch me or be around me. But, that is what he did in his attempt to comfort me. Me know that, I said nothing to him and just let him be there. I've definitely learned a lot from this and I'm sure I have more to learn. One major lesson I've learned from this is that I can't do it on my own. I have to give it to God and trust in Him that in the end it will all be okay.

Today was a day filled with comfort foods! Of course these comfort food were yummy, but not the best for me. BUT, I don't care. I ate them anyway. The county fair is going on in the county my hubby grew up in. I grew up in the city and so we never did the fair thing. So, I think it's cool to go and see everything. Before we got there I told the hubby I was buying everything I wanted. I ended up having fried cheese, curly fries with cheese, fried pickles, and a lemon shake-up. I also bought German roasted almonds and a dozen homemade donuts. OH so yummy!

But, don't get your hopes up. Heard back from the dr. about my blood work. My levels on Wednesday were 23,382. I'm pretty sure that's what she said. She also said this would put me at being about 5 to 6 weeks along. So, the dr. wants me to go in on Monday for another ultrasound. Now, don't get excited because I'm not. 5 to 6 weeks along doesn't make any sense. I'm pretty sure we didn't have sex 5 to 6 weeks ago and I'm pretty sure the hubbies boys didn't hang out for a week. Nothing makes any sense. I'm still convinced that this baby will miscarry. Especially with the cramping and stuff I've had since last night. I'm pretty sure it's not normal to have red blood. Anywho, just thought I'd update.

Unfortunately, mine isn't coming to a happy ending. I wish my ending was giving birth to a healthy baby, but I can't say that and I won't be able to say that. On Monday I started having old blood discharge (just what you want to hear right?) So, I called the doctor. The nurse said it was normal. I only have to worry if it's bright red. I had it again on Tuesday. Then I woke up Tuesday night at 3:30 in the morning cramping and red blood. GREAT! So, I called in sick to work and called the doctor first thing when they opened. They told me to come in at 10. First I went for an ultrasound. At the end the the tech asked me if I was sure of my date for my last period. I was sure I kept track on a calendar. She then proceeds to tell me that she can't find the baby. So then in tears I go to a room to meet with the doctor. He has me undress and sit on the table with the lovely paper sheet they give you. Then, the fire alarm goes off and we have to leave. But, before we leave he does the exam. After standing outside for ten minutes we come back in and he tells me he's going to send me to have blood drawn to check hormone levels. Then again on Friday. His guess is that the levels will come down and eventually I will miscarry. I'm supposed to be 9 weeks, but what he saw on the ultra sound resembles what they would expect to see at six weeks. Last night I was in a lot of pain with cramps. So, that whole process has begun. So, in a nutshell, life sucks right now. I know all the statistics such as only 1 in 5 conceptions end in a health birth. Does that mean I have to get pregnant 5 times before I can have a healthy birth? Anyway tell me that doesn't make me feel any better. And telling me it will be okay won't help me either. I don't feel like doing a damn thing. I'd rather lay in bed and do nothing and just wonder why the hell did this have to happen to me. There are plenty of teenage moms and not so teenage moms that shouldn't be having babies. I'm not one of those people. Am I not deserving enough to have a baby? I know I know things happen for a reason and this happened because there was something wrong and God intervenes when he needs to. I know all that, but it still hurt and I still hate it!

Thank you so much for the comments!! I had every intention in going to the Y today, but when I still had the brown stuff I decided maybe I should just take it easy. I know some of you have had this with your pregnancies, but was it for two or more days straight. I don't think I've had cramping, but I'm freaking out so much who knows. I'm afraid I'm going to give myself phantom cramps or something.

OOOHHHH....I've found a new love!! I'm pretty sure this is my pregnancy craving or maybe a fat girl craving. I love Taco Bell Strawberry Fruitista Freeze!!!! I love love love them!!! The hubby went to get me one last night at 9:30 p.m. And now I think I want another one. They are so yummy. I told the hubby he'd have to buy ten of them and stash them in the freezer. They really need to start selling them in a bigger size. I LOVE those things!

HAPPY 9 WEEKS!!!

I'm warning you ahead of time!

So, I go about my day as I usually do. Which includes a couple trip to the bath room. The first time at work I discover brown stuff when I wipe, and no I didn't poop. Okay no biggie, I'm sure. Then I go again after school and there more!!! At this point I'm in a full on panic. I call my mom to ask her if it's normal. She says it can be, but I can call the doctor just in case they may want to see me earlier than Oct. 8. So, I call and the nurse says, it's okay. It's just old blood. Old blood or not I'm freaking. She said I could still go to the Y and walk, which I did. But, I'm scared! I have no pain. She told me if it turns bright red, that's when I should worry. I'm trying not to freak, but with this being my first pregnancy I'm afraid of bad things happening.

Since finding out I was pregnant I haven't weighed myself at all. Not once! Unless you count my first dr. appointment. At that time I weighed 234. It was at about 5p.m. which is not when I would normally weigh myself and I had all my clothes on including my heavy 'ol sketcher shoes. After reading On my way... have the urge to go weigh myself. Is this something I should be doing? Should I be weighing myself? I'm afraid if I do I'm gonna scare myself and start trying to diet. I know that's not good for the baby, but I'm pretty sure I should be packing on the pounds just yet. What to do?

No, not me, but for those of you who know me in real-life I'm sure that wouldn't surprise you if it was me. I had a long day at work. I have a student who is just out of control. Today I kicked him out of my 2nd period class and escorted him to the office. Then they sent him to 3rd period, where he got kicked out. They sent him back after "talking" to him and guess what? He got kicked out again. He is out of control!!! BUT, I digress. So I had a long day and really didn't want to go to the Y and walk. I was so tired. But the hubby was meeting me and I didn't want to stand him up. The hour crawled by. At about 45 minutes I smell something. It wasn't pretty and it wasn't me! I swear! I look around, no one to the right, no one in front of me, but there is a lady jogging to the left of me. I wanted to vomit. I don't know about everyone else, but I hold it in when I'm at the gym. I don't want anyone to hear, let alone smell. Apparently this woman had no problem with letting me smell her flatulence. Anyway, I got another walk in today. WOOHOO! That's two this week. One more and I'll meet my goal for the week.

A friend of mine has just started blogging about her weight loss journey. Check her out! She even lost this week!!! WOOHOO!!! Go Dawn!!!! http://onmyway-dawn.blogspot.com/

So everyone tells me that walking (which is exercise) is good for the baby and I. Today while I was walking on the treadmill at the Y I began to wonder if it was possible for me to over do it. How much should I walk? How long should I walk? What if my heart rate gets too high? Here is what I did. I walked for 1 hour on the treadmill. At my fastest I walked at a 3.1 speed (That's fast for my short fat legs). I did break a sweat, but I also had water right there. I think I burned almost 300 calories. I want to exercise, but I don't want to over do it and harm the baby. Is what I'm doing okay?

Every since announcing that I was pregnant everyone keeps telling me to keep walking. Do you think I've walked once since knowing I was pregnant? Well....actually I have there was one time with my mom, when I first told her. We went to the park and walked 4 miles. That was the last time I walked. I know it's important not only for the baby, but for me to. So I'm setting my goal and even put a ticker together. I have about 32 weeks left in this pregnancy. If I walk at least 3 times a week I will have walked 96 times. So, my goal is to walk at least 3 times a week. Something else I want to start doing is taking belly pictures. Right now I may look pregnant, but that's because I carry all my fat in my gut. I thought if I take pics I will be able to eventually see the transformation. I still don't feel pregnant and it's not often that I'm sick. I do get a little nausea here and there, but not much and not often. I can't wait for Oct. 8!

HERE'S TO KNEW GOALS!

(This picture is of my mom Rib Hillis, and my mom's friend and co-worker Gina. I guess Rib is one of the newer designers on the show)

I saved all my weight loss stuff! You can bet I'll be back on the wagon after the baby comes! I hope everyone likes the new layout. I want to add a little more. Just don't know what yet. I'm feeling a little emotional tonight. No reason at all. Well I know the reason, it's the hormones. It's really weird.

My site as you can see is under construction. Please stick around!

I had food poisoning!!! You'll never believe what from!!!! A pear!!! A PEAR!!! I eat something healthy and it makes me sick!!! I probably won't eat pears for a while.

So I thought morning sickness started today. Unfortunately, it's not morning sickness. It's the flu or something of the sort. I feel terrible.

That over the course of the next nine months my blog is going to change....A LOT. I probably won't blog so much about weight loss any more, but more about the pregnancy process and other goings on in my life. I hope you still stick around and check in to see what I have to say. :)